The Truth Behind 5 ‘Real Monsters’ That Fooled the Internet Part 1: The Montauk Monster Carcass

September 10, 2009 at 5:20 am (randoms)

kappa

Pictured: The Kappa, an ancient Japanese water-demon.

A pretty young girl in the prime of her life is frolicking with her female friends on a local beach, when a monster appears! It’s a setup good enough kickoff half of the Friday the 13th movies, but these young sex-vixens weren’t murdered in alphabetical order while the survivors grieve by stripping off their tops and offering to split up, because the so-called “monster” was already dead. The Montauk Monster washed up on Ditch Plains Beach in July of 2008, where the aforementioned girls found it, photographed it and sold the pictures to the local paper. Then the Internet got a hold of it and, as usual, shit got all blown out of proportion.

The Mystery:

montauk1

One of the most intriguing aspects of the Montauk Monster was its relative proximity to the Plum Island Animal Disease Center, located just a few miles away. It wasn’t exactly a leap to believe that the corpse was some sort of freak experiment gone horribly awry that heartless executives dumped into the ocean rather than burned, because apparently they skipped Biohazard and Covert Experiment Disposal Day at the Evil Workshop. Some argued that it was a genetic abnormality, some stuck by the aforementioned lab experiment theory, while still others (read: us) suggested that it was simply Jabba’s pet jerk-monster from Return of the Jedi.

jabbapet1

Hey, being comedic relief for a mob boss food-monster probably has a high turnover rate–all those long hours, angry Jedi and notoriously poor health insurance plans offered by the Hutts probably take a toll on the little guys–it’s not that bizarre to find a corpse or two.

Various reasonable theories were lobbed up, and promptly knocked down by animal experts. Lacking an immediate concrete solution, the world assumed it must be a new and undiscovered species. After all, wasn’t it Sherlock Holmes who said, “When you eliminate the impossible, the remainder, no matter how improbable, is definitely a monster or at least some kind of magic.”?

The Reveal:

It was a raccoon. Though initial arguments insisted that the legs were far too long, proportionally, to match with a raccoon’s, actual experts went on record with dental patterns, correlating details on the front paws, and skeletal matches that all pointed to the Montauk Monster being nothing more than a decomposing raccoon carcass missing part of its upper jaw. When asked for clarification, scientists sarcastically asked, “What? You want us to draw you a picture?” Then, noting the slack-jawed, dimwitted stare from the audience, sighed with exasperation and did precisely that:

montauk2

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: