The Truth Behind 5 ‘Real Monsters’ That Fooled the Internet Part 2: The Moscow Monster

September 16, 2009 at 6:36 pm (randoms)

lochness

The Moscow Monster was supposedly discovered by Russian soldiers on a beach in Sakhalin, Russia. Sakhalin is actually 5,000 miles away from Moscow, but when pressed, most westerners can only name roughly three things about Russia anyway–vodka, communism and Moscow– so we guess the name just stuck by default.

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The Moscow Monster clearly came from the ocean, yet judging by the structure of the bones and teeth, wildlife experts say it’s not a fish. It was also clearly not a reptile, as the only match in size would be a crocodile or alligator, which would not only fail to account for the location, but the skeleton is all wrong for that as well. Finally, Big Bird is still alive and teaching four-year-olds about the intrinsic value of “B,” so that pretty much does away with all immediately apparent options.

The Mystery:

The corpse was estimated at roughly 20-feet in length, and covered in some bizarre shag material that was not feathers, fur or scales. Adding further intrigue to the mystery, it was reported that Russian Special Services were called in to take the carcass away in secrecy. So we’ve got government cover-ups in addition to possibly prehistoric beasts: It’s the thing urban legends are made of.

The Reveal:

It was a beluga whale. All that “it’s not a fish, it’s not a reptile and it don’t got fur” speculation should’ve tipped you off to the answer: What’s not a fish but lives in the water? A fucking whale. What’s not feathers, fur, nor scales? Blubber. Whales are mammals, and their skeletal structures reflects that fact. If you’re not familiar with whale physiology, you might see a live whale and assume that its skeleton is made up of a “bunch of round,” with some “flipper things” on the side. So when a corpse washes up on the beach with what looks like a serpentine tail, articulated hands and a beak, most can be forgiven for assuming it was an uRru tragically felled by the sinister Skeksis.

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But experts took one quick look at the skeleton, and stated matter-of-factly that it was a beluga whale; there were no ifs, ands or buts – that’s just what it was. When pressed for proof, they released a photo of a beluga skull alongside the Moscow Monster skull, then slapped their hands spastically against their chests and sarcastically went “dduuurrrr it a monsterrrrr hur hur.”

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Because these particular theoretical scientists are total jerks.

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