Nick + Jin’s Singapore Itinerary (Part 1)

August 13, 2010 at 6:19 am (friends, life!)


History of Singapore

In 1824, the English bought Singapore from a bunch of stoners (see video above for how Singapore got her name), who had no idea what they were doing with the island. The English used Singapore much like the capitalist pigs came to use Cuba – that is – as a place for sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll.


A typically dressed inhabitant of the island back then.

Everything was cool for over a hundred years until 1942, when the Japs invaded Singapore. The evil Empire of the Rising Sun was spawned after the Soviets attempted to rewrite history to save their commie asses by teleporting to the past and erasing Albert Einstein, leaving the Allies (especially the British) severely weakened. The Japs thus took the opportunity to grow into an evil powerful military might overnight, beginning the mass production of wasabi, obscure but terribly important mechanical parts, and Pokémon.

And why not…you can use them to sell McDonald’s burgers!

They then began searching for a new location to test prototype robot soldiers meant to replace the older models they already had in the army, deciding that the hapless island of Singapore and its witless inhabitants would prove to be a most agreeable subject.

In 1942, the first egg-throw session against Singapore was launched, killing 16 and destroying a local jacuzzi. The British had spent most of their time on the island up till this point suntanning, throwing BBQs and building a fortified fortress facing the South in between. The whole defense of the city was dependent on the idea that any attack would come from the sea. After all, you’d never get an army through the jungle to the north. How would you get your heavy artillery or tanks through it? What were they going to do, put their troops on bicycles or something?

………......Tour De France – Singapore leg.

Yes. Thousands and thousands of bicycles. The Japanese came pouring through the jungles with alarming speed. The British turned their coastal guns around and bombarded the Japanese attack, but it accomplished nothing. They were designed to punch holes in ships, not repel a gigantic militarized Tour De France.

Thus, the Japs were able to base-rape the mighty British fortress from the rear. Ever since then, homosexuals have had it bad in Singapore.

The brave British soldiers had claimed they would never surrender to the Empire of the Rising Sun, but due to irony in the ranks they surrendered till the last man (despite outnumbering the Japanese troops 3 to 1).

The Second World War saw American troops drive back the pesky Japanese. The English then retook control of Singapore, and largely forgot about it for nearly fifteen years. Singapore finally achieved independent in 1955 after offering England a tribute of crumpets and other Pacific Island delicacies. It then attempted to join other local countries such as Malaysia (which is now known to be vastly inferior to Singapore), but enjoyed no success. As such, Singapore is now a little speck of a country that nobody really wants.

Of futher note is that strikes and protests are almost non-existent due to the common belief that such disturbances hinder economic growth.

And that’s all you need to know for now guys! Everything else I’ll make up as we go along.


The transportation infrastructure is extremely robust in Singapore. There is an MRT train and bus service that connects most locations.
If you think the MRT looks similar to the London Underground, you are correct. It is “Uniquely Singapore”, right down to the recording of the same, monotone less, British woman repeating “Mind the Gap”. The MRT trains are highly energy efficient. Trains will cut off their air conditioning systems and lights for about 4-5 stations (10-15min traveling time) before resuming for 2 stations (5-6min).

Jam @ Raffles Place MRT Station

…………………….The iVacuum at work

To make boarding more efficient, the MRT carriages have been specially designed with an A*STAR researched device known as the iVacuum. This device creates a vacuum in the carriages right before the train arrives at each station. The vacuum is so strong that you can see passengers being sucked towards the small opening of the station doors even before the train comes to a complete standstill. Once the train doors open at the station, passengers are sucked in very quickly. The vacuum effect is sometimes so strong that train passengers have problems alighting. Said effect is especially powerful during peak hours.

Itinerary in Singapore

The government refers to the tourist experience in this country as “Uniquely Singapore”, a slogan that has received a positive response from tourists – most tourists would probably kill themselves if they discovered there could possibly be another city somewhere in the world just like Singapore.

In 2009 alone, over 10 million people worldwide were tricked, bullied, forced, cajoled, coaxed, or otherwise fooled into visiting Singapore for an average period of sixteen hours. You guys have got 7 days. Perfect.

Just for the sake of the both of you though, I’ll try my best. (To be continued)

If what I’ve said so far has got you terribly hyped up for the trip, you are more than welcome to master the language first.


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